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Posted on 04-28-2015

You Humans think you have it all figured out' what with your tablets and your lunch hours, but to us cats you're incomprehensible. Unsound. Strange. Just plain weird. For example, you don't vomit on cashmere if given the chance, say when a sweater is left on the floor. Who doesn't vomit on cashmere? That's strange behavior, kiddo. Here are 47 other reasons your cat thinks you're weird.

  1. You don't nap in the laundry basket.
  2. You don't run to closet when the doorbell rings.
  3. You don't get naked stretch out in sun puddles.
  4. You don't doze on the bookshelf.
  5. You don't bite your friends' ankles.
  6. Or your enemies' ankles
  7. Or any ankles whatsoever.
  8. You don't sit on top of the refrigerator.
  9. You don't climb into the bathtub and drink from the spout.
  10. You don't leave groceries on pillows or inside shoes.
  11. You don't eat moths that fly by you.
  12. You don't think the mail carrier is out to get you.
  13. You don't replace furniture with cardboard-box furniture.
  14. You don't have a heart-attack when company visits.
  15. You don't plot against the neighbors parakeet.
  16. You don't vomit on chenille.
  17. You don't vomit on silk.
  18. You don't vomit on anything good.
  19. You don't race around the house at midnight like a maniac.
  20. You don't hack up a hair ball off to the side of wherever you happen to be sitting.
  21. In fact, you don't hack up hair balls hardly at all. Where's the sport in that?
  22. You don't walk into a room, stop, and then turn around and go the other way, for no discernible reason whatsoever.
  23. You don't crash under the bed.
  24. You don't hang on your curtains.
  25. You don't get a mean thirst for water from the bathroom sink at exactly 4 every morning, no matter how many pet fountains you have.
  26. You don't slide toiletries off the sink one by one.
  27. Or office supplies off the desk.
  28. Or spices off the counter.
  29. (Sliding spices off the counter is just incredible, by the way.)
  30. You don't jump from the kitchen counter to the couch.
  31. Except for that one time on New Year's Eve. Where's that fun person again?
  32. You don't raise your own chickens.
  33. You don't pluck your own chickens.
  34. You don't traffic in chickens hardly at all, in fact.
  35. Man, chicken sounds so good right now.
  36. You don't sit on your computer keyboard.
  37. You don't sleep clear through a Tuesday.
  38. You don't stalk your neighbor's Chihuahua.
  39. You don't claw the couch every time you pass by.
  40. You don't fill the bathtub with tuna.
  41. You don't stare at a wall for an entire afternoon.
  42. You don't stare at walls at all, in fact.
  43. What kind of weirdo doesn't stare at walls?
  44. You turn faucets off.
  45. You don't stand, sit or squat in any package you receive in the mail.
  46. You don't constantly lick your hand and rub your hair.
  47. Oh wait, Yes you do! Maybe you're not so weird after all!

Life with Cattitude - It's Me, The Cat By: Stella The Cat [Catster Magazine May/June 2015]


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